March 11, 2018
Around 7:30 or so am
Sleepy, partially dreaming...
The morning started the same as any other morning.
Scoop! Clang! Scoop! Clang!
Someone is feeding the dogs. Maybe it's Bruce. No, he's in the hospital. I don't want to think about that. Today's the day. 2:00 pm. Then it's up to God. (But hasn't it been all this time?)
Falling asleep again...
Bruce is there in my dream. Scooting across the floor from the bedroom in which I reside 4 days a week, missing his right leg and left arm, he looks at me, says, "Excuse me," and scoots into the kitchen. I run into their bedroom, excitedly telling Janet, "Bruce is here! Bruce is here!"
"Where?" she asks.
"He went into the kitchen!" I tell her. I see her run into the entrance of the kitchen off the living room and get down on the floor with him, level with him so she can touch him, hug him, kiss him, hold on tightly to him.
Except it's not Janet on the floor with Bruce. It's actress Vanessa Marcil (from General Hospital), the actress in a movie I had been watching on TV.
I wake up with a start and go into the living room. Janet is on the phone, crying. This can't be good. Ending her call, she looks up at me and utters the words I have been dreading...
"He's gone."
Floodgates open, crying ensues. Phone calls and texts are made to inform others who have been waiting for news, worrying about Bruce, and praying. They, too, are devastated and heartbroken.
This is one of the worst days of my life.
February 28, 2018
Around 6/6:30 pm (It was dark is all I truly remember).
Driving home to Bruce and Janet's house from work...
At various red lights and stop signs, I often check my phone for missed calls or messages. I had one from my niece Brittney, our brother Mike's daughter...
"Aunt Sandi, are you ok? I heard Uncle Bruce was in an accident."
Confused, I reply, "What?!?! What are you talking about? What happened?"
"Uncle Steve called my dad and said Uncle Bruce was in a bad motorcycle accident and is on his way to the hospital or is at the hospital."
"You mean today?" I feel panic and a feeling of dread start to creep in a little.
"Yes".
I knew he had had a few motorcycle accidents in his time so I was confused and growing scared. This CAN'T be happening! I'm not ready to lose my brother and NOT LIKE THIS!
I called my boss and asked her to pray. I called my daughter. She already knew. Janet had asked her to meet me at the house to tell me. She knew I had been having blood pressure issues and worried about me finding out while driving so she had asked my daughter Tori to meet me at the house to fill me in on the news. Details were fuzzy, but somehow he had lost control of the bike and flew over the windshield and handlebars and had massive internal injuries. He was lifeflighted to Memorial Herrmann in the Medical Center in Houston. He was going into surgery or maybe already was. I hold this man on a pedestal. He had just celebrated his 64th birthday on February 17. He had just met his new great-grandson the day before. This cannot be happening. But it can, and it was, and I absolutely fell apart. To this day, I still fall apart when my heart remembers what my brain already knows. I didn't even get to see him before I left for work that morning. I had to be at work extra early to register for a conference call that began at 8 am so I left for work when Janet did. Things happen, folks, and they happen in the blink of an eye.
March 11, 2018
Sometime in the afternoon at the funeral home
This is so surreal. We're all here to make funeral plans for Bruce. For Bruce? That doesn't even sound right. He was supposed to live forever...or at least another few decades.
We sit around the table, listening to the director offer suggestions. We discuss coffins, urns, ashes, medallions, pictures, music for the funeral, music for the viewing, jewelry with his fingerprints, and on and on. We walk through the showroom, admiring and choosing, with hearts heavy and knees shaky and breath caught in our lungs.
The viewing has been set for Saturday, March 17, from 5-8 pm. The funeral is set for the next day at 2 pm with a reception to follow at Steve and Beth's house. Ironically, 2 pm was the the time we, as a family, had decided we would turn off all machines the day he died. However, he gave us one final gift. He left his earthly home for his Heavenly one on his own. He died around 7:40 am. (Remember my dream?)
Due to his injuries and other underlying issues, Bruce was facing amputation of his feet, maybe legs, hands, arms. I think that's why I dreamed what I dreamt. It was eerie, and I did wake with a start. I think maybe this way his way to tell me "goodbye" like he was moving from one state of being to the next. I don't know. I like to believe so. Some believe; some don't.
March 14, 2018
4:30 pm
Back at the funeral home...
This time even more family was here to finish planning the funeral and meet the pastor who would officiate over Bruce's funeral. We finalized more details such as songs and a balloon release send off to make any Aggie proud. Twelve maroon and white balloons would be released after the funeral after the Aggie War Hymn played. Some agreed we should all wear maroon for Texas A&M. I would have loved to except I don't own any maroon. I brought a blue and green maxi dress from home so that's what I was wearing. Or I could have gone naked. I chose to wear the dress, and you're welcome to the funeral audience.
March 17, 2018
5:00 pm at the funeral home for the viewing
I arrive at the funeral home. Breath caught in my lungs, legs weak, heart racing, I first saw Bruce and Janet's friend Jayne. I walked up to her and hugged her and told her how much Bruce loved her and her husband Keith. I release some breath, and tears start to flow. Keith and Jayne are their best friends, and Bruce loved them like a brother and a sister. I enter the funeral home and feel like I just walked into The Twilight Zone. This whole experience has been so surreal. It just can't be. Bruce can't be gone...but sadly, he is. There's his picture on the digital screen, birth and death dates underneath his smiling face. February 17, 1954-March 11, 2018. So real. So final. That's because it is, but I still have a hard time believing this isn't some twist of fate or a bad joke or a nightmare. Please, somebody, just hit me or pinch me so I wake up screaming and get it out of my system. I see other family members, friends, strangers, funeral home staff. It's time to go into the chapel and finally see Bruce. Dead Bruce. Bruce, my rock, my hero, my big brother who is almost like another father figure to me due to his being 16 (almost 17) years my senior. I hug people. I stall. A little back story here...I didn't see Bruce after his accident. I didn't go to the hospital not once. I have anxiety issues and had just learned how high my blood pressure was. It wasn't going to do my family any good for me to also be in the hospital or worse. Do I feel guilty for that? Of course, I do, but that is something I'll have to work out for myself. That is something I hope he can forgive me for. So, I see my other brothers Mike and Steve. They both hug me. I can see Bruce a little up at the front in his coffin, but I'm not close enough yet to get the full effect. I'm stalling again. Of course, I'm starting to bawl now. It's all too real now. I wish this wasn't happening. I want to run away and pretend this isn't happening, but it is, and I can't. With Steve and Mike on each side of me, I finally walk toward Bruce's casket, relying on their strength. "He looks really good," I hear people say. I don't remember who. Maybe more than one person. I don't know. I haven't been at the funeral home long, but I'm already spent. After a few more hours of seeing family I haven't seen in a long time while shedding tears, hugging, reminiscing about Bruce, and promises of seeing everyone the next day, we all depart. The family goes to Steve and Beth's to visit and have sandwiches. Then we call it a night. For me I go to bed with dread. The viewing was one thing. The funeral is yet another. It's THE final day to see him and have him in our presence. I do realize his soul has gone to Heaven, and his body is a shell of what his soul embodied, but still...it's the last time I get to see him, and I have to say goodbye.
March 18, 2018
2:00 pm at the funeral home for the funeral
Today is the day. It's an incredibly sad and sorrowful time, but even though I don't feel like it, it's also the time to celebrate Bruce's life. With a wine toast, we left the house and head to the funeral home. Many family and friends, including his children and grandchildren, eulogized him with beautiful stories and had the loveliest things to say about him. To think about it, I can't think of anyone who didn't like or love Bruce, and he was highly respected. My daughter sang a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. The pastor gave a lovely (and thankfully, pretty short) sermon. Other hymns included were The Old Rugged Cross by Alan Jackson, How Great Thou Art by Reba McEntire, and we chose to play Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up as the song for the pass-by as mourners passed by his casket, saying goodbye and paying respects one last time. Since Bruce was cremated, there was not to be a graveside service. Once outside, there were more hugs and kisses, dried (or wet) tears, and a balloon release send off only fitting for a Texas A&M Aggie. His family sang the Aggie War Hymn and then released 12 maroon and white balloons. A reception was held at Steve and Beth's house. I've never seen so many people in their house! Although it was a difficult time, I was happy to see so many people come out to pay their respects. It just shows how many people loved and respected Bruce.
During the week between Bruce's death and his funeral, I thought a great deal about what i wanted to say at his funeral. I wrote it over and over in my head. I ended up not sharing my thoughts with others but will share them later in this blog. Why didn't I get up and speak? Honestly, I don't think my knees would have held me. I don't think I could have gotten through it without falling apart. I honestly didn't want to be attending this funeral because I didn't want him to be gone-forever. I just wanted to get in there, do this thing, and get the hell out of there. I believe he hears my heart. That's good enough for me.
Memories...
I have several.
I remember his big, goofy smile. He loved to take goofy pictures with his eyes crossed, tongue out, and sometimes making bunny ears above the head of the victim next to him.
His broad shoulders on which he carried the world sometimes.
I remember playing Scrabble with him and his wife Nanette while the kids and I lived with them for a few months in 1998. We had a great time playing while watching TV. We were probably more competitive playing Scrabble that at any other time I can remember. Such sweet memories, though...
His generosity. He was the "go to" guy when you needed help of any kind, and he usually gave it, probably a lot more than he should have, even to me.
His love for God, the USA, Texas A&M Aggies, and of course, his family and friends. He had a special twinkled in his eyes especially reserved for his grandchildren.
He proudly sported gifted t-shirts from his grandchildren that declared him the best grandpa around hands down, or the ones that proclaimed his grandkids were cuter than your grandkids, or the ones that certified him as an Aggie Grandpa.
He could be known as The Gentle Giant as he was tall and big in stature but had the kindest, sweetest, most giving heart, which made it difficult for him to say "no" to people. My mom always said he had the tenderest heart.
I remember his corny jokes and dry sense of humor. If you told him you were back from coming in from the store or whatever, he'd say, "And a front and two sides." Yeah, it's not much of a knee slapper. LOL
I remember when I was a little girl, Bruce and our other brothers, Mike and Steve, would throw me to each other out in the yard like I was a football. I'd squeal with glee and a slight amount of fear as they tossed me from one set of strong, protective arms to another. It would be YouTube worthy to see them try that again these days. I weigh slightly more than I did when I was 4.
I remember his weddings. I remember being the flower girl in his wedding to Melinda, his college sweetheart and the mother of his future children, on June 19, 1976. Even though he was the oldest, he was the second of the four of us to get married. As the baby sister, I was chosen to be the flower girl for their wedding and also for brother Mike and Pam's wedding. I also remember being the register book attendant at his and Nanette's wedding on April 21, 1990. It was a beautiful wedding and a happy day that continued into the night. After the wedding and reception at the church, they, along with close friends and family, went to a country bar of some sort. I don't remember the name of the establishment, but what I do remember is that they both were still in their wedding attire and danced and smiled lovingly at each other and only had eyes for each other that night. It made our hearts happy to see him happy. Unfortunately, Nanette passed away in January 2003 from cancer. There were no children from their union. For many years Bruce remained single even though he dated and had a girlfriend from time to time. Then he met Janet, and after a long courtship, they married on August 22, 2014. I didn't actually go to their wedding because it was a small courthouse wedding with their best friends Keith and Jayne serving as best man and maid of honor. They did have a big reception at Spring Creek BBQ where many family members and friends came to celebrate their marriage and wish them well. We were all delighted to see Bruce happy. He and Janet shared a love of "wind therapy", riding motorcycles with family or friends. It made me happy to see Bruce happy again and have someone to spend his golden years with and travel and just enjoy life. Janet misses him of course. She keeps his picture on the refrigerator and talks to him about her day after she gets home from work. I remember while I stayed with them when I worked in Houston, she always made a point to tell him she loved him before she left the house for work every morning even if he was sleeping.
I remember once when visiting Bruce & Melinda, his son Eric and I had both gotten on his rocking horse. I was around 9 years old then, and my weight alone probably exceeded the maximum weight to play on that toy. You can imagine then what happened to that poor toy with both me AND Eric on it! LOL Well, what happened was we, mostly me, bent the frame. I was petrified for Bruce to find out for fear of him yelling and me disappointing him. That's one thing even as an adult I hated to do was disappoint him or fail him as a sister, and I'm sure I did several times. I mentioned I placed Bruce on a pedestal, right? However, when he found out, I'm sure he was angry, but he didn't yell or scream or get onto me. He talked to me about it and explained why I shouldn't have done what I did but still loved me. He did let me know it took all his strength to bend those frames back into position, though. The Gentle Giant.
I remember him holding my babies when they were small. He once carried Tori around the whole Dollar General when we could have put her in her infant carrier. He insisted on carrying her in his arms. After the kids and I moved in with him and his wife Nanette (2nd wife, died 2003) in June of 1998, I remember one evening at dinner time, Trevor was a fussy toddler getting used to his new surroundings and just plain worn out. I was growing impatient with his hissy fit, but Bruce just picked him up and cradled him in those big, strong but tenderly loving arms while Trevor relaxed and fell asleep. I remember as those same children grew from babies to toddlers to teenagers to adults, how present he was in their lives and supportive of their musical talents and attended as many choir concerts as he could. He was the first one on his feet when Tori sang her solo at her choir concert her Senior year, and the audience gave her a standing ovation. And when she graduated Magna Cum Laude and a University Scholar from SFA in May 2016, he was quick to jump up and cheer her on then, too. He was very proud of his niece. When Trevor graduates next year, he will definitely be missed, but I truly believe he'll be watching from above with pride. Like our dad did when he became a college graduate I imagine he would be standing a little taller, his shoulders a little broader. Before the Senior choir concert, he had taken our mom and traveled to San Antonio to watch her perform in the All-State choir performance. He attended several of hers and Trevor's All Region choir concerts as well as regular choir concerts in their school auditorium. He was always willing to buy from school fundraisers whether it was cookies or Poinsettias for the choir. I remember he took Trevor on his first fishing expedition. The guys in the family met in Port Aransas one year over Spring Break to go deep sea fishing. Trevor had a great time and ended up catching the biggest fish!
I remember living in Garland, TX with my children and their father and listening to the M*A*S*H show's theme song and missing Bruce because 1) He loved that show, and 2) He had been in the Army Reserves. I remember while serving his country in this capacity, he loved to jump out of airplanes. That is, until he landed wrong and broke his ankle.
I remember when he graduated from Texas A&M. I remember how proud our parents were of their college graduate and displayed the picture of him receiving his diploma on our bookshelves or fireplace mantle. I think Dad stood a little taller, and his shoulders were a little broader that day.
I remember when he helped me and Mom move me to college. Bless his heart. He carried most of the heavier stuff up 3 flights of stairs. No elevator in my dorm. Well, there WAS an elevator but not for student use.
I remember when Mom, Bobby (my stepdad who was my dad), and I went on vacation the summer before my senior year of high school. We went to visit Bruce when he lived in Baton Route, and one day over the weekend (Saturday I think) we went to New Orleans. I had never been and haven't been since, but we had such a good time that day walking around and seeing the sights. We took a river boat cruise ride on The Natchez. It was such an amazing vacation, partially because we got to visit my big brother.
I remember him attending my high school graduation. I was the Valedictorian of my class, and he was so proud of me. When my name was called, as I walked across the stage, I heard him call out "Yeah!" I can still hear it on the video.
I remember what a good job he did taking care of our mother when it became obvious she really couldn't or shouldn't live alone. She had dementia, and we had all seen signs indicating she really needed to live with someone for as long as possible. For Mom, a nursing home wasn't an option. She vehemently opposed it, and I'm grateful she never had to live in one.
One funny anecdote I recall took place at Kyle Stadium in College Station. Bruce and Melinda, his college sweetheart and first wife, had taken me with them to Midnight Yell while my parents and I were visiting. I think my parents were going to go, but Mom got sick so Dad stayed with her. If you're not familiar with this Aggie tradition, Google it. At one point during Midnight Yell, the lights in the stadium are turned off, and you're supposed to kiss your date. Well, I'm really young at this time, maybe around 5 or so, and I see all these people start kissing. Bruce and Melinda turn to each other and start kissing. I wonder why nobody is kissing me so I yell, "Who's gonna kiss me?!?!" My "midnight yell" produced several chuckles around us and served as a good family joke for many, many years.
I remember once Bruce had gone to visit our dad and his wife Belinda. He had gone alone so he rode his motorcycle for the trip, probably to save on gas money and most likely for the wind therapy. I didn't have a good vacuum cleaner at the time so Dad and Belinda gave me theirs by way of Bruce bringing it back with him....yes, on his motorcycle! I wish I had a picture and possibly do somewhere because it was the funniest sight! He rigged the vacuum cleaner up on the back of his motorcycle with what looked like about 10 bungee cords! He said he got some of the strangest looks from people driving on the highway. In fact, while he stopped for gas, he saw a woman looking strangely at him and his package (the vacuum cleaner-get your minds out of the gutter...or is it just me?) so he finally told her, "I know. I know. It's funny looking. Go ahead and laugh. I'm taking back a vacuum cleaner to my sister from our dad and his wife." I can only imagine the conversations started by all the travelers on the same path he was that day and the stories they'll talk about for years to come all because they saw this guy on a motorcycle with a vacuum cleaner strapped to his back.
On a more serious note, there were at least two times I can immediately recall that he was there for me in times when I needed him and his strength the most. One particular incidence was when my step-dad Bobby died around Christmastime 1990. That particular winter East Texas had a huge ice storm, and the roads were horrible. Since i had a small, two-door car, my family didn't want to call me with the news of Bobby's passing and have me tear out of my apartment in Sulphur Springs driving like a bat out of Hell and have a wreck. Therefore, they called my friend Tiffany and had her come to my apartment to deliver the news and bring me home in her 3/4 ton pickup. Tiffany had called to see if I would be home because she needed to come by and talk to me. I was curious but didn't dream the severity of the news she would relate. While I waited for her, I quickly went next door to the 7-Eleven by my apartments to buy me a drink and a hog dog. Tiffany met me on the sidewalk while I was walking back. I greeted her and then she told me that her Granny and our friends Lori and Reggie were inside the apartment. Then she told me that Bobby had passed away during the night. Bless her heart...In my grief I started screaming at her and calling her names and told her it wasn't funny to play a joke on my and went off on her for lying to me because in my hopes of hope, that's what i hoped it was...a joke or a lie when deep down inside I knew it was the truth. I was a hot mess, heartbroken over losing my dad who had raised me since I was 11. I was now 20. She didn't yell back but in sweet Tiffany fashion, she remained quiet and just hugged me close and said she was so sorry. She knew how close Bobby and I were and what he meant to me. We went inside, and my friends helped me pack for the trip home, and ultimately, Bobby's funeral. Because of the bad weather, Reggie's mom didn't want her traveling with us. Understandable. Lori rode with us instead. I rode most of the way in silence. I remember we stopped somewhere to eat along the way, but I barely touched my food. We finally drove up in front of our apartment building in Kilgore. I got out, and lo and behold, Bruce and Nanette had just pulled up behind us. I went to him and his outstretched arms. He embraced me in one of his famous bear hugs, not saying a word but letting me hold on to him for dear life, tears pouring from my eyes. He also knew how much I loved Bobby and what a loss this was to me, and he just let me be while he was my rock.
Fast forward to June 1998. My children's father and I had broken up. The kids and I moved from Garland to Houston to live with Bruce and Nanette. I was devastated over my broken relationship with the kids' dad and not sure which way to go. I wanted to stay nearby so the kids and their dad could still be close enough to each other, but I also needed my support group. Most of those people were in Houston so it was decided. We were moving, and we were moving to Houston to live with Bruce and Nanette. It was a scary and sad time. What would our future hold? What if I failed? What if I was making the wrong decision? Well, the morning of June 27 arrived, and I couldn't back out now. My dad and his wife Virginia were there, and Bruce arrived that morning around 7/7:30 after leaving his own home in the middle of the night to come help us move. After probably not much sleep, a 4 hour drive, several hours of loading up the U-Haul and driving it back to Houston, I'm sure Bruce was worn out. He did it all in the Texas summer heat of June without complaining. He selflessly did it for me and my babies.
I could go on and on with my memories about Bruce and all the selfless acts of love and kindness he did for me and for others, but it would take weeks.
9/11/2018
Patriot's Day
6 months since Bruce died
While the country is still reeling from this tragic event from 17 years ago, my family and I are still reeling from our loss. It's been six months today. It's flown by. How did we make it this far already? The dogs miss their daddy. I see Tipsy still sit in his spot on the couch and watch the door, waiting for Daddy to walk through it. All they know is one minute Daddy was tinkering around in the garage, and then he left. He never returned home again. I'm sure they're confused, but if Daddy could have come home, he would have. He loved all 3 of them very much and loved cuddling with them, sometimes all 3 in his lap, competing for Daddy's love and attention. Speaking of his spot on the couch, unless there is absolutely nowhere else to sit, we still proclaim that as Bruce's spot, and we try not to sit there. To do so seems sacrilegious in some way. Or perhaps it's just another way that shows we're not ready to face he's really gone.
December 14, 2018
8:39 am
Dallas, TX
My former coworker Jay and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl, into the world today. He sent me pictures. She's beautiful. How could she not be with two gorgeous parents like she's got? haha Life does go on, and time marches on. What we decide to do with that time and our lives is up to each of us. We can sit around and mope and have a pity party, or we can rejoice in our blessings and keep steppin'. I have days where I want to mope, and I have days when I want to keep steppin'. Grief is funny like that. You can be having a great day, and then WHAM! You pick up something at the store and check the expiration date, and it's your loved one's birthday.
December 25, 2018
Christmas Day
Well, finally, here is what I would have said to eulogize my hero, my rock, my sweet big brother Bruce:
"If we could will our loved ones to live forever, then no one would ever die. That is definitely the case for Bruce. So many people loved him. So many people looked up to him and respected him. So many people needed him and counted on him and looked to him in times of need. I know I did and probably more than I should have. It is surreal that we are here today at his funeral to celebrate his life. I know I didn't want him to die. No one did. Not this young. He was just 64 years old....or 64 years young. I didn't expect him to die for several more years. I hoped he'd live to be 100 or at least outlive me so that way he'd always be there for me.
But God had other plans. We can ask ourselves "why"? Why Bruce? Why now? We can ask "why" an infinite amount of times. We can analyze every small detail of the accident and the sequence of events that occurred after that until he drew his last breath. The reality is, the way I believe, is that it was just his time. The Bible (Psalm 139:13) talks about God knowing us before we were born as He knitted us together in our mothers' wombs. I also believe He knows when He is going to call us home. God has a plan for all of us, and we don't have to understand it. We don't have to like it. Folks, this is where your faith comes in. I don't say this is an easy task to do, and I don't say it in a non-chalant, simplistic way. Bruce was born. He had a life. He had an accident, and then he died. The end. That is definitely not how I mean this. However, the way I believe is that if you have faith in God, or whatever faith you may follow, then you have to have faith that this was God's plan for Bruce. He definitely did good work and good deeds on Earth, and maybe God just needed him more in Heaven. Sometimes I think if your faith may be waivering, and you find it hard to trust God (or honestly whatever higher power you may believe in), you have to trust Him and his decisions as if you would your very best friend. Have you ever been in a situation where your best friend said, "Just trust me on this, would you?" and you did because you knew you could put your total faith and your life, your money, all your worldly possessions in his/her hands? Well, when I have difficulty with my faith, that's the way I try to view Him. If we can trust our best friend, why can't we trust God? I'm not trying to preach or sound preachy, but frankly, this is how I'm going to be able to handle losing Bruce. But I didn't say it was going to be easy. None of us are gathered here because we wanted Bruce to die, but we are gathered here to show our respects to him and the family and to celebrate his life. I know Bruce would have loved to be here growing old with Janet and sharing life experiences with her like going on bike rides with their friends and visiting the Hill Country. He would want to watch his children continue to grow as adults and see the achievements they made as the years passed by. He would want to watch his grandchildren grow up, graduate from high school and college, and dance with them at their weddings, possibly even walk a few of them down the aisle. He would want to do the same for his nieces and nephews as well. He once told me not too many months ago that when my daughter Tori gets married, he'd love to walk her down the aisle. He went on to say that in no way would he want to take the place of her father, but he would be honored to be part of the process in some way. Bruce's oldest grandchild graduates high school next year, and after that his nephew, my son Trevor, graduates from college. And so forth and so on as each grandchild, niece, and nephew grow up, graduate, get married, and begin their lives as adults. Even though Bruce won't be physically present at any of these events, I know for a fact he'll be with them in spirit. Nothing, not even death, could keep him away from such important milestones.
If we have not already heard it, we will hear a hymn here today by Alan Jackson called "The Old Rugged Cross," and in that hymn are the following lyrics:
"So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it someday for a crown."
Well, nobody deserves that crown more than you do, Big Brother. Your big-hearted acts of love and kindness have not gone unnoticed by us here on Earth, nor by our Lord in Heaven.
In closing, even though we are in shock, heartbroken, and grieving, I hope we all have learned something from this experience. Life is a blessing. Life is sweet, but it is also short. Take time for the important things. Let go of and don't fret over the things that are not important. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Say "I love you" a little more. Settle your grievances. Laugh out loud and as often as you can; find the humor in even the bleakest moments. Love a lot and love big. And LIVE! Simply live life to its fullest. Eat the cake. Buy the shoes. Go on the dream vacation. Take time to smell the roses. Dance like EVERYONE is watching, and you don't care! GO NAKED! (Looking to funeral audience)...I promise you I won't do that today. (Wait for laughter to die down and looks of shock to fade)...
Rest in peace, Brother. I don't know how we're going to find our way without you, but we will. It just won't be easy. How do you go on without someone so bigger-than-life, someone so important, someone so needed? One second, one hour, one day at a time I guess. You just keep getting up and steppin'. I know you would be disappointed if we did anything less. May you rest in peace. Tell Mom and Dad and all our other loved ones "hi" for us and give them big hugs from all of us. I will miss you every day. I already do as do so many. Please watch over us. I'll miss our late night talks that sometimes went on all night. I'll miss staying up late with you and watching Perry Mason. I'll miss the sound of your voice and your laughter and you calling me "Sis" or "Kiddo". I'll miss your strength and those famous bear hugs that leave you literally breathless. I'll miss your corny jokes and goofy smile in photos. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to you for all you did for me and my kids. To simply say "Thank You" doesn't seem quite enough. I can't pay you back for all you did for us, but I can pay it forward. I'll try to do the best I can at doing so. My kids not only thought of you as their uncle but also a father figure who helped shape who they are today. I know you are no longer in pain. I hope you feel at peace, nothing but warmth and love emanating from your soul. I hope you are riding the coolest motorcycle that side of Heaven on those beautifully paved streets of gold.
Until we meet again...
Love,
Sis
If we could will our loved ones to live forever, then no one would ever die..."
That's it in a nutshell, folks. That's what I would have said to eulogize Bruce. I still feel the same way today. I miss him terribly especially this time of year. We are still working on our first year of "firsts". You know...First Father's Day without him, first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas without him. Soon we'll be closing in on what would have been his 65th birthday. Then, of course, the first anniversary of the accident and then his death. After that, will it get any easier? No. We'll have to keep getting up and steppin'. Some days will be easier than others as we have experienced thus far, and no, it hasn't been easy.
May you continue to rest in peace, Brother. You're always in our hearts and not to be forgotten. I hope we can all tear a page out of your book and live by your example. We are all better people because of you. I love you and miss you dearly.
WHOOP! and Gig 'Em!
OH.....and Merry Christmas!
Around 7:30 or so am
Sleepy, partially dreaming...
The morning started the same as any other morning.
Scoop! Clang! Scoop! Clang!
Someone is feeding the dogs. Maybe it's Bruce. No, he's in the hospital. I don't want to think about that. Today's the day. 2:00 pm. Then it's up to God. (But hasn't it been all this time?)
Falling asleep again...
Bruce is there in my dream. Scooting across the floor from the bedroom in which I reside 4 days a week, missing his right leg and left arm, he looks at me, says, "Excuse me," and scoots into the kitchen. I run into their bedroom, excitedly telling Janet, "Bruce is here! Bruce is here!"
"Where?" she asks.
"He went into the kitchen!" I tell her. I see her run into the entrance of the kitchen off the living room and get down on the floor with him, level with him so she can touch him, hug him, kiss him, hold on tightly to him.
Except it's not Janet on the floor with Bruce. It's actress Vanessa Marcil (from General Hospital), the actress in a movie I had been watching on TV.
I wake up with a start and go into the living room. Janet is on the phone, crying. This can't be good. Ending her call, she looks up at me and utters the words I have been dreading...
"He's gone."
Floodgates open, crying ensues. Phone calls and texts are made to inform others who have been waiting for news, worrying about Bruce, and praying. They, too, are devastated and heartbroken.
This is one of the worst days of my life.
February 28, 2018
Around 6/6:30 pm (It was dark is all I truly remember).
Driving home to Bruce and Janet's house from work...
At various red lights and stop signs, I often check my phone for missed calls or messages. I had one from my niece Brittney, our brother Mike's daughter...
"Aunt Sandi, are you ok? I heard Uncle Bruce was in an accident."
Confused, I reply, "What?!?! What are you talking about? What happened?"
"Uncle Steve called my dad and said Uncle Bruce was in a bad motorcycle accident and is on his way to the hospital or is at the hospital."
"You mean today?" I feel panic and a feeling of dread start to creep in a little.
"Yes".
I knew he had had a few motorcycle accidents in his time so I was confused and growing scared. This CAN'T be happening! I'm not ready to lose my brother and NOT LIKE THIS!
I called my boss and asked her to pray. I called my daughter. She already knew. Janet had asked her to meet me at the house to tell me. She knew I had been having blood pressure issues and worried about me finding out while driving so she had asked my daughter Tori to meet me at the house to fill me in on the news. Details were fuzzy, but somehow he had lost control of the bike and flew over the windshield and handlebars and had massive internal injuries. He was lifeflighted to Memorial Herrmann in the Medical Center in Houston. He was going into surgery or maybe already was. I hold this man on a pedestal. He had just celebrated his 64th birthday on February 17. He had just met his new great-grandson the day before. This cannot be happening. But it can, and it was, and I absolutely fell apart. To this day, I still fall apart when my heart remembers what my brain already knows. I didn't even get to see him before I left for work that morning. I had to be at work extra early to register for a conference call that began at 8 am so I left for work when Janet did. Things happen, folks, and they happen in the blink of an eye.
March 11, 2018
Sometime in the afternoon at the funeral home
This is so surreal. We're all here to make funeral plans for Bruce. For Bruce? That doesn't even sound right. He was supposed to live forever...or at least another few decades.
We sit around the table, listening to the director offer suggestions. We discuss coffins, urns, ashes, medallions, pictures, music for the funeral, music for the viewing, jewelry with his fingerprints, and on and on. We walk through the showroom, admiring and choosing, with hearts heavy and knees shaky and breath caught in our lungs.
The viewing has been set for Saturday, March 17, from 5-8 pm. The funeral is set for the next day at 2 pm with a reception to follow at Steve and Beth's house. Ironically, 2 pm was the the time we, as a family, had decided we would turn off all machines the day he died. However, he gave us one final gift. He left his earthly home for his Heavenly one on his own. He died around 7:40 am. (Remember my dream?)
Due to his injuries and other underlying issues, Bruce was facing amputation of his feet, maybe legs, hands, arms. I think that's why I dreamed what I dreamt. It was eerie, and I did wake with a start. I think maybe this way his way to tell me "goodbye" like he was moving from one state of being to the next. I don't know. I like to believe so. Some believe; some don't.
March 14, 2018
4:30 pm
Back at the funeral home...
This time even more family was here to finish planning the funeral and meet the pastor who would officiate over Bruce's funeral. We finalized more details such as songs and a balloon release send off to make any Aggie proud. Twelve maroon and white balloons would be released after the funeral after the Aggie War Hymn played. Some agreed we should all wear maroon for Texas A&M. I would have loved to except I don't own any maroon. I brought a blue and green maxi dress from home so that's what I was wearing. Or I could have gone naked. I chose to wear the dress, and you're welcome to the funeral audience.
March 17, 2018
5:00 pm at the funeral home for the viewing
I arrive at the funeral home. Breath caught in my lungs, legs weak, heart racing, I first saw Bruce and Janet's friend Jayne. I walked up to her and hugged her and told her how much Bruce loved her and her husband Keith. I release some breath, and tears start to flow. Keith and Jayne are their best friends, and Bruce loved them like a brother and a sister. I enter the funeral home and feel like I just walked into The Twilight Zone. This whole experience has been so surreal. It just can't be. Bruce can't be gone...but sadly, he is. There's his picture on the digital screen, birth and death dates underneath his smiling face. February 17, 1954-March 11, 2018. So real. So final. That's because it is, but I still have a hard time believing this isn't some twist of fate or a bad joke or a nightmare. Please, somebody, just hit me or pinch me so I wake up screaming and get it out of my system. I see other family members, friends, strangers, funeral home staff. It's time to go into the chapel and finally see Bruce. Dead Bruce. Bruce, my rock, my hero, my big brother who is almost like another father figure to me due to his being 16 (almost 17) years my senior. I hug people. I stall. A little back story here...I didn't see Bruce after his accident. I didn't go to the hospital not once. I have anxiety issues and had just learned how high my blood pressure was. It wasn't going to do my family any good for me to also be in the hospital or worse. Do I feel guilty for that? Of course, I do, but that is something I'll have to work out for myself. That is something I hope he can forgive me for. So, I see my other brothers Mike and Steve. They both hug me. I can see Bruce a little up at the front in his coffin, but I'm not close enough yet to get the full effect. I'm stalling again. Of course, I'm starting to bawl now. It's all too real now. I wish this wasn't happening. I want to run away and pretend this isn't happening, but it is, and I can't. With Steve and Mike on each side of me, I finally walk toward Bruce's casket, relying on their strength. "He looks really good," I hear people say. I don't remember who. Maybe more than one person. I don't know. I haven't been at the funeral home long, but I'm already spent. After a few more hours of seeing family I haven't seen in a long time while shedding tears, hugging, reminiscing about Bruce, and promises of seeing everyone the next day, we all depart. The family goes to Steve and Beth's to visit and have sandwiches. Then we call it a night. For me I go to bed with dread. The viewing was one thing. The funeral is yet another. It's THE final day to see him and have him in our presence. I do realize his soul has gone to Heaven, and his body is a shell of what his soul embodied, but still...it's the last time I get to see him, and I have to say goodbye.
March 18, 2018
2:00 pm at the funeral home for the funeral
Today is the day. It's an incredibly sad and sorrowful time, but even though I don't feel like it, it's also the time to celebrate Bruce's life. With a wine toast, we left the house and head to the funeral home. Many family and friends, including his children and grandchildren, eulogized him with beautiful stories and had the loveliest things to say about him. To think about it, I can't think of anyone who didn't like or love Bruce, and he was highly respected. My daughter sang a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. The pastor gave a lovely (and thankfully, pretty short) sermon. Other hymns included were The Old Rugged Cross by Alan Jackson, How Great Thou Art by Reba McEntire, and we chose to play Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up as the song for the pass-by as mourners passed by his casket, saying goodbye and paying respects one last time. Since Bruce was cremated, there was not to be a graveside service. Once outside, there were more hugs and kisses, dried (or wet) tears, and a balloon release send off only fitting for a Texas A&M Aggie. His family sang the Aggie War Hymn and then released 12 maroon and white balloons. A reception was held at Steve and Beth's house. I've never seen so many people in their house! Although it was a difficult time, I was happy to see so many people come out to pay their respects. It just shows how many people loved and respected Bruce.
During the week between Bruce's death and his funeral, I thought a great deal about what i wanted to say at his funeral. I wrote it over and over in my head. I ended up not sharing my thoughts with others but will share them later in this blog. Why didn't I get up and speak? Honestly, I don't think my knees would have held me. I don't think I could have gotten through it without falling apart. I honestly didn't want to be attending this funeral because I didn't want him to be gone-forever. I just wanted to get in there, do this thing, and get the hell out of there. I believe he hears my heart. That's good enough for me.
Memories...
I have several.
I remember his big, goofy smile. He loved to take goofy pictures with his eyes crossed, tongue out, and sometimes making bunny ears above the head of the victim next to him.
His broad shoulders on which he carried the world sometimes.
I remember playing Scrabble with him and his wife Nanette while the kids and I lived with them for a few months in 1998. We had a great time playing while watching TV. We were probably more competitive playing Scrabble that at any other time I can remember. Such sweet memories, though...
His generosity. He was the "go to" guy when you needed help of any kind, and he usually gave it, probably a lot more than he should have, even to me.
His love for God, the USA, Texas A&M Aggies, and of course, his family and friends. He had a special twinkled in his eyes especially reserved for his grandchildren.
He proudly sported gifted t-shirts from his grandchildren that declared him the best grandpa around hands down, or the ones that proclaimed his grandkids were cuter than your grandkids, or the ones that certified him as an Aggie Grandpa.
He could be known as The Gentle Giant as he was tall and big in stature but had the kindest, sweetest, most giving heart, which made it difficult for him to say "no" to people. My mom always said he had the tenderest heart.
I remember his corny jokes and dry sense of humor. If you told him you were back from coming in from the store or whatever, he'd say, "And a front and two sides." Yeah, it's not much of a knee slapper. LOL
I remember when I was a little girl, Bruce and our other brothers, Mike and Steve, would throw me to each other out in the yard like I was a football. I'd squeal with glee and a slight amount of fear as they tossed me from one set of strong, protective arms to another. It would be YouTube worthy to see them try that again these days. I weigh slightly more than I did when I was 4.
I remember his weddings. I remember being the flower girl in his wedding to Melinda, his college sweetheart and the mother of his future children, on June 19, 1976. Even though he was the oldest, he was the second of the four of us to get married. As the baby sister, I was chosen to be the flower girl for their wedding and also for brother Mike and Pam's wedding. I also remember being the register book attendant at his and Nanette's wedding on April 21, 1990. It was a beautiful wedding and a happy day that continued into the night. After the wedding and reception at the church, they, along with close friends and family, went to a country bar of some sort. I don't remember the name of the establishment, but what I do remember is that they both were still in their wedding attire and danced and smiled lovingly at each other and only had eyes for each other that night. It made our hearts happy to see him happy. Unfortunately, Nanette passed away in January 2003 from cancer. There were no children from their union. For many years Bruce remained single even though he dated and had a girlfriend from time to time. Then he met Janet, and after a long courtship, they married on August 22, 2014. I didn't actually go to their wedding because it was a small courthouse wedding with their best friends Keith and Jayne serving as best man and maid of honor. They did have a big reception at Spring Creek BBQ where many family members and friends came to celebrate their marriage and wish them well. We were all delighted to see Bruce happy. He and Janet shared a love of "wind therapy", riding motorcycles with family or friends. It made me happy to see Bruce happy again and have someone to spend his golden years with and travel and just enjoy life. Janet misses him of course. She keeps his picture on the refrigerator and talks to him about her day after she gets home from work. I remember while I stayed with them when I worked in Houston, she always made a point to tell him she loved him before she left the house for work every morning even if he was sleeping.
I remember once when visiting Bruce & Melinda, his son Eric and I had both gotten on his rocking horse. I was around 9 years old then, and my weight alone probably exceeded the maximum weight to play on that toy. You can imagine then what happened to that poor toy with both me AND Eric on it! LOL Well, what happened was we, mostly me, bent the frame. I was petrified for Bruce to find out for fear of him yelling and me disappointing him. That's one thing even as an adult I hated to do was disappoint him or fail him as a sister, and I'm sure I did several times. I mentioned I placed Bruce on a pedestal, right? However, when he found out, I'm sure he was angry, but he didn't yell or scream or get onto me. He talked to me about it and explained why I shouldn't have done what I did but still loved me. He did let me know it took all his strength to bend those frames back into position, though. The Gentle Giant.
I remember him holding my babies when they were small. He once carried Tori around the whole Dollar General when we could have put her in her infant carrier. He insisted on carrying her in his arms. After the kids and I moved in with him and his wife Nanette (2nd wife, died 2003) in June of 1998, I remember one evening at dinner time, Trevor was a fussy toddler getting used to his new surroundings and just plain worn out. I was growing impatient with his hissy fit, but Bruce just picked him up and cradled him in those big, strong but tenderly loving arms while Trevor relaxed and fell asleep. I remember as those same children grew from babies to toddlers to teenagers to adults, how present he was in their lives and supportive of their musical talents and attended as many choir concerts as he could. He was the first one on his feet when Tori sang her solo at her choir concert her Senior year, and the audience gave her a standing ovation. And when she graduated Magna Cum Laude and a University Scholar from SFA in May 2016, he was quick to jump up and cheer her on then, too. He was very proud of his niece. When Trevor graduates next year, he will definitely be missed, but I truly believe he'll be watching from above with pride. Like our dad did when he became a college graduate I imagine he would be standing a little taller, his shoulders a little broader. Before the Senior choir concert, he had taken our mom and traveled to San Antonio to watch her perform in the All-State choir performance. He attended several of hers and Trevor's All Region choir concerts as well as regular choir concerts in their school auditorium. He was always willing to buy from school fundraisers whether it was cookies or Poinsettias for the choir. I remember he took Trevor on his first fishing expedition. The guys in the family met in Port Aransas one year over Spring Break to go deep sea fishing. Trevor had a great time and ended up catching the biggest fish!
I remember living in Garland, TX with my children and their father and listening to the M*A*S*H show's theme song and missing Bruce because 1) He loved that show, and 2) He had been in the Army Reserves. I remember while serving his country in this capacity, he loved to jump out of airplanes. That is, until he landed wrong and broke his ankle.
I remember when he graduated from Texas A&M. I remember how proud our parents were of their college graduate and displayed the picture of him receiving his diploma on our bookshelves or fireplace mantle. I think Dad stood a little taller, and his shoulders were a little broader that day.
I remember when he helped me and Mom move me to college. Bless his heart. He carried most of the heavier stuff up 3 flights of stairs. No elevator in my dorm. Well, there WAS an elevator but not for student use.
I remember when Mom, Bobby (my stepdad who was my dad), and I went on vacation the summer before my senior year of high school. We went to visit Bruce when he lived in Baton Route, and one day over the weekend (Saturday I think) we went to New Orleans. I had never been and haven't been since, but we had such a good time that day walking around and seeing the sights. We took a river boat cruise ride on The Natchez. It was such an amazing vacation, partially because we got to visit my big brother.
I remember him attending my high school graduation. I was the Valedictorian of my class, and he was so proud of me. When my name was called, as I walked across the stage, I heard him call out "Yeah!" I can still hear it on the video.
I remember what a good job he did taking care of our mother when it became obvious she really couldn't or shouldn't live alone. She had dementia, and we had all seen signs indicating she really needed to live with someone for as long as possible. For Mom, a nursing home wasn't an option. She vehemently opposed it, and I'm grateful she never had to live in one.
One funny anecdote I recall took place at Kyle Stadium in College Station. Bruce and Melinda, his college sweetheart and first wife, had taken me with them to Midnight Yell while my parents and I were visiting. I think my parents were going to go, but Mom got sick so Dad stayed with her. If you're not familiar with this Aggie tradition, Google it. At one point during Midnight Yell, the lights in the stadium are turned off, and you're supposed to kiss your date. Well, I'm really young at this time, maybe around 5 or so, and I see all these people start kissing. Bruce and Melinda turn to each other and start kissing. I wonder why nobody is kissing me so I yell, "Who's gonna kiss me?!?!" My "midnight yell" produced several chuckles around us and served as a good family joke for many, many years.
I remember once Bruce had gone to visit our dad and his wife Belinda. He had gone alone so he rode his motorcycle for the trip, probably to save on gas money and most likely for the wind therapy. I didn't have a good vacuum cleaner at the time so Dad and Belinda gave me theirs by way of Bruce bringing it back with him....yes, on his motorcycle! I wish I had a picture and possibly do somewhere because it was the funniest sight! He rigged the vacuum cleaner up on the back of his motorcycle with what looked like about 10 bungee cords! He said he got some of the strangest looks from people driving on the highway. In fact, while he stopped for gas, he saw a woman looking strangely at him and his package (the vacuum cleaner-get your minds out of the gutter...or is it just me?) so he finally told her, "I know. I know. It's funny looking. Go ahead and laugh. I'm taking back a vacuum cleaner to my sister from our dad and his wife." I can only imagine the conversations started by all the travelers on the same path he was that day and the stories they'll talk about for years to come all because they saw this guy on a motorcycle with a vacuum cleaner strapped to his back.
On a more serious note, there were at least two times I can immediately recall that he was there for me in times when I needed him and his strength the most. One particular incidence was when my step-dad Bobby died around Christmastime 1990. That particular winter East Texas had a huge ice storm, and the roads were horrible. Since i had a small, two-door car, my family didn't want to call me with the news of Bobby's passing and have me tear out of my apartment in Sulphur Springs driving like a bat out of Hell and have a wreck. Therefore, they called my friend Tiffany and had her come to my apartment to deliver the news and bring me home in her 3/4 ton pickup. Tiffany had called to see if I would be home because she needed to come by and talk to me. I was curious but didn't dream the severity of the news she would relate. While I waited for her, I quickly went next door to the 7-Eleven by my apartments to buy me a drink and a hog dog. Tiffany met me on the sidewalk while I was walking back. I greeted her and then she told me that her Granny and our friends Lori and Reggie were inside the apartment. Then she told me that Bobby had passed away during the night. Bless her heart...In my grief I started screaming at her and calling her names and told her it wasn't funny to play a joke on my and went off on her for lying to me because in my hopes of hope, that's what i hoped it was...a joke or a lie when deep down inside I knew it was the truth. I was a hot mess, heartbroken over losing my dad who had raised me since I was 11. I was now 20. She didn't yell back but in sweet Tiffany fashion, she remained quiet and just hugged me close and said she was so sorry. She knew how close Bobby and I were and what he meant to me. We went inside, and my friends helped me pack for the trip home, and ultimately, Bobby's funeral. Because of the bad weather, Reggie's mom didn't want her traveling with us. Understandable. Lori rode with us instead. I rode most of the way in silence. I remember we stopped somewhere to eat along the way, but I barely touched my food. We finally drove up in front of our apartment building in Kilgore. I got out, and lo and behold, Bruce and Nanette had just pulled up behind us. I went to him and his outstretched arms. He embraced me in one of his famous bear hugs, not saying a word but letting me hold on to him for dear life, tears pouring from my eyes. He also knew how much I loved Bobby and what a loss this was to me, and he just let me be while he was my rock.
Fast forward to June 1998. My children's father and I had broken up. The kids and I moved from Garland to Houston to live with Bruce and Nanette. I was devastated over my broken relationship with the kids' dad and not sure which way to go. I wanted to stay nearby so the kids and their dad could still be close enough to each other, but I also needed my support group. Most of those people were in Houston so it was decided. We were moving, and we were moving to Houston to live with Bruce and Nanette. It was a scary and sad time. What would our future hold? What if I failed? What if I was making the wrong decision? Well, the morning of June 27 arrived, and I couldn't back out now. My dad and his wife Virginia were there, and Bruce arrived that morning around 7/7:30 after leaving his own home in the middle of the night to come help us move. After probably not much sleep, a 4 hour drive, several hours of loading up the U-Haul and driving it back to Houston, I'm sure Bruce was worn out. He did it all in the Texas summer heat of June without complaining. He selflessly did it for me and my babies.
I could go on and on with my memories about Bruce and all the selfless acts of love and kindness he did for me and for others, but it would take weeks.
9/11/2018
Patriot's Day
6 months since Bruce died
While the country is still reeling from this tragic event from 17 years ago, my family and I are still reeling from our loss. It's been six months today. It's flown by. How did we make it this far already? The dogs miss their daddy. I see Tipsy still sit in his spot on the couch and watch the door, waiting for Daddy to walk through it. All they know is one minute Daddy was tinkering around in the garage, and then he left. He never returned home again. I'm sure they're confused, but if Daddy could have come home, he would have. He loved all 3 of them very much and loved cuddling with them, sometimes all 3 in his lap, competing for Daddy's love and attention. Speaking of his spot on the couch, unless there is absolutely nowhere else to sit, we still proclaim that as Bruce's spot, and we try not to sit there. To do so seems sacrilegious in some way. Or perhaps it's just another way that shows we're not ready to face he's really gone.
December 14, 2018
8:39 am
Dallas, TX
My former coworker Jay and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl, into the world today. He sent me pictures. She's beautiful. How could she not be with two gorgeous parents like she's got? haha Life does go on, and time marches on. What we decide to do with that time and our lives is up to each of us. We can sit around and mope and have a pity party, or we can rejoice in our blessings and keep steppin'. I have days where I want to mope, and I have days when I want to keep steppin'. Grief is funny like that. You can be having a great day, and then WHAM! You pick up something at the store and check the expiration date, and it's your loved one's birthday.
December 25, 2018
Christmas Day
Well, finally, here is what I would have said to eulogize my hero, my rock, my sweet big brother Bruce:
"If we could will our loved ones to live forever, then no one would ever die. That is definitely the case for Bruce. So many people loved him. So many people looked up to him and respected him. So many people needed him and counted on him and looked to him in times of need. I know I did and probably more than I should have. It is surreal that we are here today at his funeral to celebrate his life. I know I didn't want him to die. No one did. Not this young. He was just 64 years old....or 64 years young. I didn't expect him to die for several more years. I hoped he'd live to be 100 or at least outlive me so that way he'd always be there for me.
But God had other plans. We can ask ourselves "why"? Why Bruce? Why now? We can ask "why" an infinite amount of times. We can analyze every small detail of the accident and the sequence of events that occurred after that until he drew his last breath. The reality is, the way I believe, is that it was just his time. The Bible (Psalm 139:13) talks about God knowing us before we were born as He knitted us together in our mothers' wombs. I also believe He knows when He is going to call us home. God has a plan for all of us, and we don't have to understand it. We don't have to like it. Folks, this is where your faith comes in. I don't say this is an easy task to do, and I don't say it in a non-chalant, simplistic way. Bruce was born. He had a life. He had an accident, and then he died. The end. That is definitely not how I mean this. However, the way I believe is that if you have faith in God, or whatever faith you may follow, then you have to have faith that this was God's plan for Bruce. He definitely did good work and good deeds on Earth, and maybe God just needed him more in Heaven. Sometimes I think if your faith may be waivering, and you find it hard to trust God (or honestly whatever higher power you may believe in), you have to trust Him and his decisions as if you would your very best friend. Have you ever been in a situation where your best friend said, "Just trust me on this, would you?" and you did because you knew you could put your total faith and your life, your money, all your worldly possessions in his/her hands? Well, when I have difficulty with my faith, that's the way I try to view Him. If we can trust our best friend, why can't we trust God? I'm not trying to preach or sound preachy, but frankly, this is how I'm going to be able to handle losing Bruce. But I didn't say it was going to be easy. None of us are gathered here because we wanted Bruce to die, but we are gathered here to show our respects to him and the family and to celebrate his life. I know Bruce would have loved to be here growing old with Janet and sharing life experiences with her like going on bike rides with their friends and visiting the Hill Country. He would want to watch his children continue to grow as adults and see the achievements they made as the years passed by. He would want to watch his grandchildren grow up, graduate from high school and college, and dance with them at their weddings, possibly even walk a few of them down the aisle. He would want to do the same for his nieces and nephews as well. He once told me not too many months ago that when my daughter Tori gets married, he'd love to walk her down the aisle. He went on to say that in no way would he want to take the place of her father, but he would be honored to be part of the process in some way. Bruce's oldest grandchild graduates high school next year, and after that his nephew, my son Trevor, graduates from college. And so forth and so on as each grandchild, niece, and nephew grow up, graduate, get married, and begin their lives as adults. Even though Bruce won't be physically present at any of these events, I know for a fact he'll be with them in spirit. Nothing, not even death, could keep him away from such important milestones.
If we have not already heard it, we will hear a hymn here today by Alan Jackson called "The Old Rugged Cross," and in that hymn are the following lyrics:
"So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it someday for a crown."
Well, nobody deserves that crown more than you do, Big Brother. Your big-hearted acts of love and kindness have not gone unnoticed by us here on Earth, nor by our Lord in Heaven.
In closing, even though we are in shock, heartbroken, and grieving, I hope we all have learned something from this experience. Life is a blessing. Life is sweet, but it is also short. Take time for the important things. Let go of and don't fret over the things that are not important. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Say "I love you" a little more. Settle your grievances. Laugh out loud and as often as you can; find the humor in even the bleakest moments. Love a lot and love big. And LIVE! Simply live life to its fullest. Eat the cake. Buy the shoes. Go on the dream vacation. Take time to smell the roses. Dance like EVERYONE is watching, and you don't care! GO NAKED! (Looking to funeral audience)...I promise you I won't do that today. (Wait for laughter to die down and looks of shock to fade)...
Rest in peace, Brother. I don't know how we're going to find our way without you, but we will. It just won't be easy. How do you go on without someone so bigger-than-life, someone so important, someone so needed? One second, one hour, one day at a time I guess. You just keep getting up and steppin'. I know you would be disappointed if we did anything less. May you rest in peace. Tell Mom and Dad and all our other loved ones "hi" for us and give them big hugs from all of us. I will miss you every day. I already do as do so many. Please watch over us. I'll miss our late night talks that sometimes went on all night. I'll miss staying up late with you and watching Perry Mason. I'll miss the sound of your voice and your laughter and you calling me "Sis" or "Kiddo". I'll miss your strength and those famous bear hugs that leave you literally breathless. I'll miss your corny jokes and goofy smile in photos. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am to you for all you did for me and my kids. To simply say "Thank You" doesn't seem quite enough. I can't pay you back for all you did for us, but I can pay it forward. I'll try to do the best I can at doing so. My kids not only thought of you as their uncle but also a father figure who helped shape who they are today. I know you are no longer in pain. I hope you feel at peace, nothing but warmth and love emanating from your soul. I hope you are riding the coolest motorcycle that side of Heaven on those beautifully paved streets of gold.
Until we meet again...
Love,
Sis
If we could will our loved ones to live forever, then no one would ever die..."
That's it in a nutshell, folks. That's what I would have said to eulogize Bruce. I still feel the same way today. I miss him terribly especially this time of year. We are still working on our first year of "firsts". You know...First Father's Day without him, first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas without him. Soon we'll be closing in on what would have been his 65th birthday. Then, of course, the first anniversary of the accident and then his death. After that, will it get any easier? No. We'll have to keep getting up and steppin'. Some days will be easier than others as we have experienced thus far, and no, it hasn't been easy.
May you continue to rest in peace, Brother. You're always in our hearts and not to be forgotten. I hope we can all tear a page out of your book and live by your example. We are all better people because of you. I love you and miss you dearly.
WHOOP! and Gig 'Em!
OH.....and Merry Christmas!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8WlCqZPTeg You Should Be Here-Cole Swindell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXAqoZuYvyA The Old Rugged Cross-Alan Jackson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3XkxbIQ_Mo Aggie War Hymn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIGYLBVjYZA M*A*S*H Theme Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ You Raise Me Up-Josh Groban
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